Love

The blatant realities of life are becoming clear to me. Took them long enough. Why am I only beginning to realize these things now? I guess I’ll never stop learning them. More and more of them will become clear to me in time. Is there an endless supply of these brutish realities? Somewhere, somehow, there must be a bottomless bucket full of them, just waiting for people coming along to take one out of it. But oh, no, they don’t look like the blatant truth. They look like the things that are of the most value to the person. They look like love, like trust, like friendship. At least that’s the way it is for me.

Hmm... What an interesting analogy. It came to me perfectly naturally. Incense mixed with caffeine in my system mixed with Modest Mouse seems to have some sort of psychological effect. It makes things flow from my mind to my fingertips much more easily. It makes me feel good.

I love incense so much. Sometimes I look at cigarette smoke and notice it’s resemblance to incense smoke. However, cigarette smoke smells terrible, whereas incense creates a wonderful, pleasing, relaxing aroma. Both appear similar, yet one is vile. There’s something to ponder about.

You know what would be nice? A Time Machine. One that, instead of seeing yourself in the future, transmits your very consciousness inside of your future self, allowing you to know your future, and experience it first hand. Although- going into a logical paradox here- if you were to transmit your consciousness into another being (even though that ‘other being’ is yourself…), you wouldn’t be conscious in the time that you were originally, therefore making your future self in a state of lack of consciousness until the point in life that your consciousness was transmitted into your future self’s mind.

Or possibly an aging machine. Why must I be under 18? Why must she be under 18 as well? Why must our age limit us from communication? Why must the world not conform to my very beliefs? Why is the sun round? Which came first - the chicken or the egg?

Wait a minute…. I was onto something in the first three questions… until I started babbling about chickens and the sun…

More questions? Of course! Why must I be legally discontinued from living where I want? Because I’m under the age of consent?

Fuck… why must I be held back from life for simply being born after 1990? Why must I fall in love at such a young age? Why can’t I stay with the emotional maturity of a kindergartener? That would be nice… I wouldn’t have to worry about falling in love and the difficulties that come with it…

Why must love be so impossible for me? I’ve found love before…. But not in a case where I am loved back. And the love I’ve found now is different. I feel that this is real love, not the love that I felt before, not the hopeless desire that I had previously felt.

I want to simply be with her. If we were to never kiss or have any physical contact, I would still love her simple presence all the same. It would be equivalent to any kiss.

God dammit I miss her…