Incense

Ooh, wonderful! I am simply ecstatic right now! New incense! A SHITLOAD of it!

My dad ordered some of the best incense from incense guru for me. Very, very much incense. Like, 200 complete sticks in all. That should certainly last me quite a while.

I'm currently burning a rose one, and it smells lovely. Best of all, it actually smells like rose, whereas normally incense (at least in my experience) smells like it's labeled normally, but when you burn it, it all smells the same.

But not this. This certainly has a very definate aroma. It smells exactly like a rose, which I consider to be a wonderful scent. I'm very excited to try all of the different aromas (about 25 or 30 in all). I couldn't really decide what to burn first, but rose immediately caught my eye.

In other news, I believe I have made a discovery about my body. Recently, I began to believe I was immune to caffiene, which I still believe to be true. But yesterday morning, I decided to test this theory by drinking an energy drink, one without a high amount of caffiene (such as Bawls). It was Sobe Adrenaline rush, and it helped me focus better than I've been able to in the past two weeks. Mainly, I've been pretty groggy and unenthusiastic recently, due to all of the shit that's all of the sudden going on in my life. But, seriously, today was a great day for me. Many of my assignment were completed, and I felt overall motivated.

Although I still think that caffiene doesn't affect me anymore. I think that the other thing in the energy drink (like Taurine and L-Carnitine and D-ribose) were what actually affected me. I can't be sure however. I'm going to spend a while researching all of the things found in energy drinks and find out what does and what doesn't affect people.

Oh, this rose incense smells wonderful. One of the incense scents is called Love, and I want to try that one next.

Music: Custom Concern (Instrumental BBC radio version) - Modest Mouse
Incense: Rose (I guess I'll be having a lot more to choose from now... so it won't be constantly saying musk any longer)

P.S. Yes, I do have to listen to Modest Mouse when I type. My mind has just grown so accustomed to it and incense alongside typing that it actually helps me with my writing. I do listen to other things too... just mostly Modest Mouse while blogging.

I could never hate you guys

I don't have anything of importance to really write about. I wonder why I'm posting on my blog. Nope... nothing comes to mind. My brain is registering a blank. What to write about.... what to write about...

Hmm. There are some people in this world that I doubt I could ever feel anger toward. No matter what, I will be unable to really actually feel dislike for these people. Some people, of course, I have felt dislike for quite some time, and it will probably remain this way. But two people - Mairead and Sarah; I have never felt dislike for either of you. In some cases, I'm sure I would have been justified to do so, but I am incapable of it. You two are who I consider to be my real friends. Sure, there are others that I do consider my friends, but I have never really connected with these people as I do with you. And because of this connection, anger or hatred or dislike can never be felt for either of you.

*hugs for both of you*

Music: Edit The Sad Parts - Modest Mouse
Mood: N/A
Light: Blacklight

*needs a hug*

Has it been two weeks yet?

I need a hug.

Contemplations

I've been wondering all of today and last night how to start this post. And I guess I just decided right there.

Last night was the Super Bowl. I never cared for football - not in the slightest. About 10 minutes after Mairead and her mother dropped me off at home, my mother and I left for the Bleu Rock Inn. In the car, we listened to the Blue Man Group, who I haven't heard in a while. We were just beginning my favorite song by them when we arrived at the Bleu Rock. I went in, and was met by Sherri and her son Zane, who I haven't seen in a while. Now that I have a reason for my weekends, I don't spend any time babysitting him for Sherri any more. I figured that, (for this is how she made it sound) throughout the evening, I'd be helping by being somewhat of a bartender's apprentice. After it became clear to her that I had only been to the Inn once before, she realized I wouldn't be of much help. I didn't really know my way around. It ended up not to be too important, though. I sat and played guitar Hero and some crappy wrestling game with Zane for about an hour, slowly filling myself up with pretzels and a hamburger. I was eating constantly through that night.

Eventually, I grew tired, and very depressed at the fact that I wouldn't be seeing Mairead for another two weeks. I was listening to The Postal Service on my iPod, and I had my head down on the table, with a bunch of excited football-crazy adults who actually cared about this game all around me. I was there for about 10 minutes, until I got up and asked my mother if there was a computer (I desperately wanted to post on my blog) in the Inn with internet access. When she told me no, I asked her if I could go lay down in the car. She told me no, but Sherri, who was behind me, told me that there was somewhat of a lounge down the hallway after the kitchen. I walked there, still with The Postal Service blasting in my ears (I find that calming music seems more calming when it's blasted, but that's just me. It adds a strange sort of effect.)

I found my way to the lounge, and saw a single couch there. I lied down on it, and listened. Just sat and listened in my sadness. It wasn't the fact that Mairead wasn't there; more so the knowledge that she wouldn't be there - not for another two weeks. I had to wait a long time for her, and this time there was no necklace that I could clutch on to in my desire to see her. Just the memory of her face, and of her kisses and her warm, smooth hands. The music was a big factor, I think, since it was the music we were listening to in the back of the van when her mother was driving me home. I'm sure that, for the next two weeks, my brain will immediately associate The Postal Service with Mairead.

I was crying a bit on that couch. All I felt that I wanted at this point was a hug - a real hug. A big squeezy type of "You are my friend. I care about you." hug. I wanted a hug from anyone, just to know that someone cared enough to give me one. I found myself craving physical contact of any means. I cried off and on, and I doubt that I moved one bit from the position that I was in.

Sometime, I saw somebody pass. It was a boy - he looked very familiar, but I was sort of out of it. My headphones were on, and I looked like I was asleep. Soon afterward, another person crossed. This one I immediately recognized. Cheryl Crews had just arrived, carrying a sleepy Trusten in her arms. I don't think they noticed me at first, but I got up and walked after them. Cheryl was mumbling something like "Where is our room? Where is our room?" to me when she saw me, and, in confusion, I just responded, "Hello, Cheryl."

She then noticed the couch that I had gotten up from, and placed Trusten down on it. I looked at him briefly - I have always been interested in people sleeping - but then Tyler noticed me and grabbed my jacket and dragging me back into the bar, insisting that I watch the Super Bowl. I told him that I don't care in the slightest bit about the Super Bowl, but still he pulled me. He eventually succeeded in his quest of dragging me into the bar, but I walked right out the moment I was in. Now aware that Trusten was sleeping in what was my bed, I didn't know where to go.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I was unsupervised. I could walk around to any place alone in my boredom. I began to walk around, and eventually found myself outside.

Now this was a blast from the past. What I am going to explain truly is an example of my childhood's faded memory. I knew the outside looked extremely familiar. Sometime, vaguely, I remembered being here at some time. Very, very vague... there were other children there as well... I must have been very young... was Tessa Crews there? Or maybe somebody else I knew from school... there were other little boys there...

Just fragments. Undecipherable in their raw form. Somewhere deep, deep in my memory, they were there. Just very hard to reach.

I began to walk down to the lake to explore this blast from the past, but some birds in the lake began squawking at me about fifty feet from it. They calmed down when I didn't move for a few seconds. I plopped down on the grass, now completely alone, the Postal Service playing in the headphones that were now around my neck.

Soon, despite the fact that I was solitary and alone finally, I became cold, and went in. For about an hour, I wandered around, possibly in some sort of warped state of mind that I didn't fully understand. More memories came... one of the boys was richer and had some sort of new gaming system... the game boy? ...or maybe it was a cell phone...

I was wandering for quite some time, contemplating Mairead and the idiocy of some football-crazy adults and the music that was playing in my ears and the memories that were slowly revealing themselves in my mind... so many things to contemplate...

Eventually, after what seemed like forever, the game ended. We went home, and I was able to listen to that song that I really wanted to hear. My mother stopped at Quicke-Mart and bought some milk.... I was too wiped out and depressed-feeling to really come in or do anything. A lot of it probably had to do with the fact that I ate quite a bit of food, and I was in a food-coma.

We went home, and I read Mairead's blog briefly before I went to sleep. And I fell asleep in silence, contemplating Mairead.

In the morning, all I thought about was Mairead. She was all that came to mind. While I was getting ready, while I was on the bus, in my morning classes, just Mairead, Mairead, Mairead.

I felt love again. I was sitting on the bus, zoning out of the window, just remembering the previous night with Mairead. I was listening to Suddenly Everything Has Changed, ones of the songs we kissed to, and suddenly, I felt a real feeling. I felt love for her, much more love than normally, and I desired her more than anything else in the world.

The next two weeks will be agony. They will be filled with longing, so many thoughts and hopes and plans. I hope so much that we can find a way to see each other before the end of two weeks, even if it's only momentarily. Two weeks... quite a long time when one week seemed like a year.

Music: Edit The Sad Parts - Modest Mouse
Incense: musk

I despise siblings.

I despise my sister, Alana. She's an ungrateful bitch who is under the impression that she is the sweetest girl in the world. When she got home, she immediately made me get offline. Then she began complaining that she was cold, so I started a fire for her (her claiming that she didn't know how to load anything onto a pulley so I had to go all the way downstairs and lug a gigantic load of wood through the house). She said that it wasn't enough, so she called mom and made her tell me that I have to leave my door open. (My room has a heater because I'm the only one ever home. Alana comes home only for moments at a time, and she uses it as an excuse for never doing any work in the house.) If I were to leave my door open, than none of the house would be heated at all. The heater that I had is not meant to heat such a large area, especially having the heat travel through a narrow hallway into the rest of the house, where a fire was going anyway and another heater was turned on. After her bitching at me about it for a little while, it was decided that I would take the crappy heater that was outside the room, and replace it with the good heater that was in mine.

And this is the part that really pissed me off. I was coming out of my room, so I could take the shitty heater out of the living room to replace it with mine, and she began bitching at me some more, complaining that I was being a little asshole. She was mimicing me and being, in general, one of the most irritating and bitchy people I have ever known. Here I am, sacrificing my time and energy and warmth so she would be satisfied, and she was being a whiney bitch about everything, mainly about me being angry at her for... guess what.... being a bitch about everything! She was bitching at me because of my anger at her bitching at me!

Now, tell me. Does that make any sense?

And when I was walking past her, she stopped me and grabbed my necklace and said "That's my necklace!" (she was still in the midst of bitchiness). I replied "No, it's not. Mairead gave it to me."

She relpied in the snootiest, most annoyingly bitchy and cutesy voice she could have possibly done "Ohh, how cute!".

I ignored her and went into my room. Soon, she began bringing up arguing some more. Only this time, I was behind a door that I was holding closed. She began, in fact, to tear apart my door, saying that she was "just ripping off a piece that was already falling". Oh, well that's nice. If it's already in bad condition, why the fuck make it worse.

Morgan, I can stand. She's much, much, much more logical and fair than Alana. But Morgan, since she was born, has always had no choice but to try and take after Alana. Alana was the one in the more popular crowd. Alana was the prettier one. Alana was the one who had a good body, while Morgan always was a bit big-boned. And it is still this way. If given choices between sides, Morgan will always choose Alana. It's in her nature to try and get Alana to like her. It doesn't matter whether she disagrees with Alana's views or not; she will always attempt to take after Alana.

I, on the other hand, would prefer not taking after either of my sisters.

A path of self-discovery

The end of January already?

This month has certainly made quite a mark on my life. I'm finally being shown the real world, or some of it. And it's a confusing place, the real world. Filled with much stress and decisions that must be made. Filled with new people and events. Filled with the knowledge of people's true character. Filled with new feelings. Filled with something certainly new - real love, and the troubles that come with it. Filled with incense and Modest Mouse. Filled with difficulty for everybody around me. Filled with completely new conceptions of reality. Filled with friends, filled with foes...

For God's sake... filled with everything...

I guess you could say I'm on a path of self-discovery. Through the blatant truth, I'm being shown much about others, allowing me to delve deeper into my own character.

I see Sweeney Todd this weekend with Mairead. This week is seeming like one of the longest I have ever experienced. Two more days.

Goddammit. The real world sucks.

Are these blogs just correspondance letters between you and I, because we're too scared to talk about these things in some sort of way that allows immediate responce?

A bit, I guess.

You are depressed, Mairead. And I don't want you to be, because I care about you. But problems are challenging to remedy if the symptoms for them are unclear.

I was able to convince my mother that I was sick today. I wasn't in the slightest bit sick, but good acting does have its advantages. Besides, I do feel like I needed a day off from school. My room, which had been a wreck since I was in that strange, strange mood, finally got cleaned.

I'm unable to distinguish whether I have real feelings any more at all. Are these feelings shrouded in mist, or are they at their full quality? I can't even determine that anymore.

While cleaning, I found a poem that I wrote about a month or so ago. I posted it on my poetry site.

I found my gloves. They had been lost for a while.

I found the thermometer.

I'm not even done cleaning yet.

Meh... my thoughts are just choppy little fragments... I don't even have anything in particular that I wanted to say. I just want a moment to... empty my mind. Yes, they are simple little thoughts with no real value. Just little bits of my life, barely making a mark on my memory.

Morgan is talking to dad in the other room. I find it hard to talk to him now. Both my mother and father are trying to convince me that the other one is insane. I believe both of them are perfectly sane in many respects, however not so much in a multitude of others. My mother is trying to get my father put in jail for the thousands of dollars of child support he owes. I don't want my father in jail. I love him, but maybe he deserves it. I don't know. meh. fuck it. argh. What the fuck ever.

There are troubles in areas of my life that shouldn't have troubles.

My life is changing so much. Everyone around me is faced with so many decisions, and so am I. All of my friends are meeting dilemmas and possible solutions and failures in some areas and successes in others.

Fuck.

The real world sucks.

Where did the blue pills go? Where is the reset button? Why are these red pills so full of flavor but so devoid of nutrition?

Meh. I'm getting metaphorical like my dad. Not that that's a bad thing. Or maybe it is. I don't know. Fuck it all.

Who took the reset button? Is there no way of going back, going back to the bliss that was my past life?

Hapiness? What the fuck is that? Sadness? What are you talking about?

Oh, that's not what I mean. I feel all of these emotions. Every single one. Now, however, I am unable to determine which ones are good and which are bad. Love, yes, love. Good feeling, yes? Yes, it should be! It's not, though. Nor is it a bad feeling, though. The world isn't all black and white, there are the in-between colors too. Love is neutral. Love is just... love. For me, I know it's there, and I know that it makes me happy, even, but something is missing from it.

Eh, fuck. I'm beginning to be self-contradictory. I guess that I do think love feels good. It does make me happy. It's not complete, though. None of my feelings are complete anymore. I'm going through life like it's a movie. Scenes happen, and you know it happened, and you also know that it will most likely be an important scene that will tie in with the whole major plotline of the movie itself, but you don't care too much about it. The memories of the scenes themselves, however, are far away and distant, until something in the movie pops up to remind you of the scene. And then you go "Oh, yeah. I remember that"

What a dumb metaphor. Why the fuck am I being so metaphorical?

My dad called while I was writing this. I just felt like mentioning that.

Whatever.

Music: The View - Modest Mouse
Song that I'm about to put on: Sea Of No Cares - Great Big Sea