Contemplations

I've been wondering all of today and last night how to start this post. And I guess I just decided right there.

Last night was the Super Bowl. I never cared for football - not in the slightest. About 10 minutes after Mairead and her mother dropped me off at home, my mother and I left for the Bleu Rock Inn. In the car, we listened to the Blue Man Group, who I haven't heard in a while. We were just beginning my favorite song by them when we arrived at the Bleu Rock. I went in, and was met by Sherri and her son Zane, who I haven't seen in a while. Now that I have a reason for my weekends, I don't spend any time babysitting him for Sherri any more. I figured that, (for this is how she made it sound) throughout the evening, I'd be helping by being somewhat of a bartender's apprentice. After it became clear to her that I had only been to the Inn once before, she realized I wouldn't be of much help. I didn't really know my way around. It ended up not to be too important, though. I sat and played guitar Hero and some crappy wrestling game with Zane for about an hour, slowly filling myself up with pretzels and a hamburger. I was eating constantly through that night.

Eventually, I grew tired, and very depressed at the fact that I wouldn't be seeing Mairead for another two weeks. I was listening to The Postal Service on my iPod, and I had my head down on the table, with a bunch of excited football-crazy adults who actually cared about this game all around me. I was there for about 10 minutes, until I got up and asked my mother if there was a computer (I desperately wanted to post on my blog) in the Inn with internet access. When she told me no, I asked her if I could go lay down in the car. She told me no, but Sherri, who was behind me, told me that there was somewhat of a lounge down the hallway after the kitchen. I walked there, still with The Postal Service blasting in my ears (I find that calming music seems more calming when it's blasted, but that's just me. It adds a strange sort of effect.)

I found my way to the lounge, and saw a single couch there. I lied down on it, and listened. Just sat and listened in my sadness. It wasn't the fact that Mairead wasn't there; more so the knowledge that she wouldn't be there - not for another two weeks. I had to wait a long time for her, and this time there was no necklace that I could clutch on to in my desire to see her. Just the memory of her face, and of her kisses and her warm, smooth hands. The music was a big factor, I think, since it was the music we were listening to in the back of the van when her mother was driving me home. I'm sure that, for the next two weeks, my brain will immediately associate The Postal Service with Mairead.

I was crying a bit on that couch. All I felt that I wanted at this point was a hug - a real hug. A big squeezy type of "You are my friend. I care about you." hug. I wanted a hug from anyone, just to know that someone cared enough to give me one. I found myself craving physical contact of any means. I cried off and on, and I doubt that I moved one bit from the position that I was in.

Sometime, I saw somebody pass. It was a boy - he looked very familiar, but I was sort of out of it. My headphones were on, and I looked like I was asleep. Soon afterward, another person crossed. This one I immediately recognized. Cheryl Crews had just arrived, carrying a sleepy Trusten in her arms. I don't think they noticed me at first, but I got up and walked after them. Cheryl was mumbling something like "Where is our room? Where is our room?" to me when she saw me, and, in confusion, I just responded, "Hello, Cheryl."

She then noticed the couch that I had gotten up from, and placed Trusten down on it. I looked at him briefly - I have always been interested in people sleeping - but then Tyler noticed me and grabbed my jacket and dragging me back into the bar, insisting that I watch the Super Bowl. I told him that I don't care in the slightest bit about the Super Bowl, but still he pulled me. He eventually succeeded in his quest of dragging me into the bar, but I walked right out the moment I was in. Now aware that Trusten was sleeping in what was my bed, I didn't know where to go.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I was unsupervised. I could walk around to any place alone in my boredom. I began to walk around, and eventually found myself outside.

Now this was a blast from the past. What I am going to explain truly is an example of my childhood's faded memory. I knew the outside looked extremely familiar. Sometime, vaguely, I remembered being here at some time. Very, very vague... there were other children there as well... I must have been very young... was Tessa Crews there? Or maybe somebody else I knew from school... there were other little boys there...

Just fragments. Undecipherable in their raw form. Somewhere deep, deep in my memory, they were there. Just very hard to reach.

I began to walk down to the lake to explore this blast from the past, but some birds in the lake began squawking at me about fifty feet from it. They calmed down when I didn't move for a few seconds. I plopped down on the grass, now completely alone, the Postal Service playing in the headphones that were now around my neck.

Soon, despite the fact that I was solitary and alone finally, I became cold, and went in. For about an hour, I wandered around, possibly in some sort of warped state of mind that I didn't fully understand. More memories came... one of the boys was richer and had some sort of new gaming system... the game boy? ...or maybe it was a cell phone...

I was wandering for quite some time, contemplating Mairead and the idiocy of some football-crazy adults and the music that was playing in my ears and the memories that were slowly revealing themselves in my mind... so many things to contemplate...

Eventually, after what seemed like forever, the game ended. We went home, and I was able to listen to that song that I really wanted to hear. My mother stopped at Quicke-Mart and bought some milk.... I was too wiped out and depressed-feeling to really come in or do anything. A lot of it probably had to do with the fact that I ate quite a bit of food, and I was in a food-coma.

We went home, and I read Mairead's blog briefly before I went to sleep. And I fell asleep in silence, contemplating Mairead.

In the morning, all I thought about was Mairead. She was all that came to mind. While I was getting ready, while I was on the bus, in my morning classes, just Mairead, Mairead, Mairead.

I felt love again. I was sitting on the bus, zoning out of the window, just remembering the previous night with Mairead. I was listening to Suddenly Everything Has Changed, ones of the songs we kissed to, and suddenly, I felt a real feeling. I felt love for her, much more love than normally, and I desired her more than anything else in the world.

The next two weeks will be agony. They will be filled with longing, so many thoughts and hopes and plans. I hope so much that we can find a way to see each other before the end of two weeks, even if it's only momentarily. Two weeks... quite a long time when one week seemed like a year.

Music: Edit The Sad Parts - Modest Mouse
Incense: musk