Numb

Fuck... I hate mothers...

I haven't posted in quite a while. So many things have happened, though. My feelings are confusing and more numb than usual. I spent some time with Daeriam. Some wonderful, wonderful time. I've been learning more and more on the guitar. The Social Workers left - finally those assholes are gone...

I haven't been in the mood to write recently. I've been too numb to feel any feeling strongly anymore. Even love is somewhat dimmed. I've always been able to distinguish my feelings and know how I feel. I've always known whether I was happy, sad, excited, bored... Every feeling had its specific boundaries, and I was so sure of everything. Right now, however, I don't even know how I feel. I know that there is a feeling deep down in there, but I can't identify it. It feels like something is masking it. It makes me feel numb, like I don't really have a feeling there, but deep down, I know that I do.

And I don't like feeling numb. Things have gone from good to bad, from wonderful to terrible to wonderful again, and I guess it's just worn down my ability to feel. And saying that sentence, for instance, brings about a sad feeling in me, but that sad feeling is distant - like a dream.

I wish I had more memory of my childhood. Yes, I am on a completely different topic now. Sometimes I do that, and I don't know how my brain could have possibly come to the topic when it has nothing to do with what was being discussed. But anyway, I wish I had more memory of my childhood. Yes, I know that I am still in my childhood, but I mean my young childhood. I've mentioned this, but my own phsyche has simply blocked out my memories, due to many of them being painful. Having experienced this bucket full of red pills now, however, I would very much like to have those memories so that I know everything. Why escape the matrix if you can't even fathom what goes on in the real world, right?

Last night, Mairead (back to the previous topic), I felt as though I wasn't feeling as much in love as I should have. I mean, I was finally with somebody - somebody who truly loved me as well. My feeling, however, was dim and far away, and I had a hard time grasping it. Thinking of you now, thinking of being with you and holding you in my arms, I feel a great sensation of love - and longing, of course - the feeling that I know that I should have felt while I was with you. Maybe it was the cold. Maybe it was the fact that other people were around. I just feel like I didn't love you as much as I should have that night. Maybe my numbing feeling was especially strong yesterday.

Oh, now I can't get my mind off of you. Daeriam. Why am I doing that? Your name is Mairead, not Daeriam. We have no reason to protect our identities on blogger. You are Mairead. I am Austen, not Netsua. There. I'm sure we'll be safe, Mairead.

I feel more comfortable referring to you by your real name.

I regret that I wasn't able to give you something to remember me by. I told you that I would, but I wasn't able to make anything in time. I apologize for that. The necklace you gave me is wonderful. I constantly feel it against my chest, and therefore constantly think of you. If you are planning on giving me something this weekend, don't. I will give you something. Perhaps we can make this into a tradition - exchanging gifts every weekend.

Another half-year? I have to wait that long?

Well, alright. I don't want the people at Sandy Springs to be too disappointed to lose their Mairead so suddenly.

But I certainly do miss you more than ever, Mairead Mcloughlin.

-Austen. Not Netsua. Austen.