Irritations

I need some time to clear my mind. To think and write, and allow my ideas to flow out of my fingertips.

I should have done this earlier, when I came out of school because I felt terrible and couldn't concentrate on anything and didn't even feel motivated enough to think.

Several things are bothering me. One of them is the fact that I'm still on italics, but that can be easily remedied.

There we go. Now I can write, if I can convince my mind to get to the mindset that I desire to have when writing in my blog. I'm going to put on something familiar, something that I'd know in my sleep. Modest Mouse would be good.

There. I am listening to Modest Mouse, sitting in my messy room in the dark. It's beginning to seem a bit more familiar. Now I need some incense.

Exactly five sticks of incense are burning. My lights are off. My blacklight is on. Modest Mouse is playing. My room is messy. My contacts are irritated. I need a shower. Can it get any more familiar than this? At around 11:00, Sarah had a conversation with me on gmail, in which I explained all that was bothering me. I intend to explain the same things that I explained then. One of them I would prefer to keep private, however.

Irritation #1

First of all, we have no food in our house. Like, literally, none. This morning, we didn't even have bread, so I wasn't able to eat breakfast. My mom lost the gift cards that we were given at Christmas so we don't have any money to buy groceries. I had break before I left, though, so I did have something - a measly piece of sausage between two biscuits. Later in the day, when I searched for lunch, I began to make pancakes, the only thing that I thought we had enough food ingredients for. But it turns out we were out of both milk and half-and-half, so I was unable to complete it. My mother went to the store, and, with the little money she had, went out to buy milk and half-and-half. So I was able to make my pancakes, quite a few of them, in fact, and I got so full that I haven't eaten dinner tonight.

But then - get this - After a short nap (she had been napping all day until she called her boyfriend to ask him to get me. His name is John Hallberg, by the way.), mom went out to visit John's house. I asked her if she was going to clean his house for more money. She said that she was just going over there to see him, and to wander around Sperryville doing 'errands'. She was in full knowledge that we are practically flat broke, and yet she still goes out and does what she wants. There must be something that she does to get money. We've been living like this for many months now- since she got fired from her last job (which mitchell has now) - and she's done nothing about it. And if she has, she's kept it a secret, which obviously means it's something bad. Prostitution? Drug Dealing? Who knows what that crazy woman does? But the point is that she has managed to support us for a while, and without any noticeable income. Occasionally, she cleans John's house for money, but he wouldn't be able to pay her enough to support three children for several months!

This irritates me. Not really the fact that my mom is keeping secrets and doesn't really care to make an effort to get a job. More of the fact that I actually have to worry about something as basic as eating. It makes me realize how poor we are.

Irritation #2

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm trying to be like Mitchell. Of course, I used to feel the need to have a role model when I was younger, but now, this is not the case.

For quite a while, my sense of style, as in what appeals to me, has been similar to Mitchell's. Honestly, I've alway admired the style that is more commonly referred to as 'emo'. I like the color black above all colors. Whatever you consider the 'emo' style most likely is appealing to my sense of what I think looks good. When I met Mitchell, an abrupt change in my style and actions occurred. People were noticing that I was 'acting like mitchell'. My change was very apparent. It would be perfectly reasonable to assume that I was acting like him.

But I wasn't 'acting' like anybody. I no longer feel the need to do that. I've become mature enough to realize that I don't need a father figure, something I obviously lack.

Mitchell is open about his sense of style. He dresses the way he wants. He acts the way he wants. I have always been incapable of doing this, but getting to know mitchell somewhat has showed me that it is possible to be yourself. I have always lived around the concept that I can't do things because others won't agree with me. They would criticize me, they would annoy me, they would not allow me to be the way that I want to be. I don't try to act like Mitchell. I don't try to act like anybody. I try to be myself. And now I've been shown that it is possible to be myself.

But, apparently, I will still be criticized and forced to discontinue my hopes to be the person that I want to be. Many accept me, but those are the people that I don't really consider compatible enough with me to be good friends, and therefore the harsh truth is that their opinion really doesn't matter to me.

So, mitchell, I'm sorry. I know how annoying it is to seem like someone is trying to mimic you. Zane is trying to be a clone of me. It's terribly annoying, but you obviously understand this. And I know that you actually don't read my blog, because you probably will accuse me of 'copying you', because you have a blog as well, but if Sarah is reading this - please ask mitchell to read that.

Irritation #3

Mairead. Get in contact with me sometime. I need to talk to you.

Irritation #4

My best friend, the only person whom I really feel as though I could confide in, the only one that seems like they can be truly compatible for something as simple as friendship can be a real bitch. Honestly, I would prefer not to complain about Sarah on my blog, because I don't really want to and I'm not sure if she'd appreciate that I say this on my blog, because we've already had this conversation privately.

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So those were the 4 things bothering me today. The third one, I'd prefer not to mention here.

Music: Everything by Modest Mouse
Incense: musk